Being a mother is truly is the greatest blessing in my life and I wouldn't change that for the world. But the hardest thing that's come along with motherhood is healing and rebuilding my life after the loss of a childhood dream (a family unit of my own). I'm trying to learn how to negotiate the grief while also learning how to co-parent and move forward in finding happiness and love again.
The beginning of the end started when I got pregnant with our second child in September 2019. My ex told me he didn't want another baby... but I felt the complete opposite. My feelings were insignificant and there was no changing his mind if I wanted to be with him. I felt a type of grief and loss that I could never have imagined after that, and the only person I could talk to about it refused. If I tried to bring up my emotions I was immediately shut down, I wasn't even allowed to talk about the baby. That year his cousin made a family calendar and each persons birthday had something special on it about them... mine was 'best mom ever'.
Things slowly began to decline from there in our relationship. I begged him to go to couples counseling, but that was also shut down. We were in debt and struggling to pay the mortgage so I sold my house and we moved into his family's empty beach condo. Shortly after that his parents put a down payment on a house for him.... and he didn't even tell me about it. I was never supposed to move in there with him.
The end finally arrived one night when he came home late after getting drinks with a female coworker following a company party. An argument ensued that was escalating to the point in which my instincts told me to turn my phone recorder on. The result was a physical altercation in which I was thrown from our bed into the end table/lamp and a heavy object was then thrown into my shoulder. My back was covered in bruises and scratches and my shoulder was black and blue all the way down to my elbow. But the worst part was that our 2 year old son was asleep in the next room the entire time. I locked myself in the bathroom for the rest of the night and cried. That morning my best friend came over and while my ex was still sleeping off the alcohol we took my son and left for the police station. My shoulder was so damaged and painful that I had trouble getting my son into his car seat or out of his crib for a week. That same week he was messaging every single girl on Instagram, telling them he was single and looking to hook up.
Four years later and I have just recently started 50/50 custody, which has brought even more challenges. We still have not been able to co-parent without anger towards the other person. We still have no closure from that night. And after four years I still think about that baby every day and feel a tremendous loss for what could have been.