It’s a question I ask myself often lately. I'd like to think a big thing that defines me is my heritage and family traditions, as well as maybe my genetic make-up (Cherokee, Italian, French, and German BTW). But maybe what defines me is what I've accomplished in my 36 years. Growing up I was a dancer, a swimmer, and a field hockey player. In college I was great at beer pong and getting my friends free drinks—while also managing a salon full-time and living on my own (and keeping my grades up, mostly). Over my career in advertising I have picked up a few awards and accolades for projects that I’m really proud of, and that shine bright on my resume. My friendships are true/lifelong and my family bond/support is strong. Oh and I created a human. A loving, sweet, beautiful boy that has helped me grow to become a better woman in so many ways.
Since I quit my job 4 months ago to stay home with Knox, things have been harder and more stressful for me than ever before. Sometimes I think I may have lost myself and what makes me… me. My days are isolated—spent shuffling Knox back and forth to school and therapy, making sure he gets enough mental/physical stimulation everyday, eats healthy, gets a good nap, is clean, etc.—all while dealing with the temper tantrums that are coming more and more often. Add in the daily cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, and bill-paying... it can feel overwhelming and exhausting.
I think (daydream, worry) about going back to work all the time… reminiscing on the experiences I had traveling for commercial shoots and the friendships that came after working 24/7 on a product launch. Then I wonder how we’d get by with my long hours, and how it would affect Knox going back to 12-hour days at a crowded daycare where he doesn't get the 1-on-1 attention that he needs. And I think back to the high cost of daycare and how--when I was working--we were going into so much debt that I had to sell my house.
I know the longer I stay out of the workforce the harder it will be to get back in (especially in advertising where your time is limited as it is). And yet—I also know that I am so lucky to have this time with my son, to be able to play with him and use every experience as a teaching one… and I know that it won’t always be this way.
So for now is it enough for me to just be a great mom, a fun-loving and loyal friend, a confidant to my brothers, a dutiful daughter, and a true partner to my spouse… and to just take care of the people in my life? To make sure my children become the best versions of themselves they can be? I’m not sure yet. Maybe there’s a happy in-between, or a different path I will take… I’m figuring that out.
So while this next chapter in my life is currently undetermined, I know that I am all of those things above, and that I love with everything I have. And I think that’s enough for now.
X
